How Language Shines A Light

The way we talk to and about ourselves can shed light on the roadblocks to successful habit change.

Self-limiting beliefs, like mold, fester in the dark. We stumble over hidden habits and limiting beliefs, tripping over our own feet and landing face first in the mud. There are times when our behaviors are blatantly obvious — like stubbing your toe on a rock, it’s easy to tell when and why you’ve messed up. But there are also times when factors hidden deep in our values and beliefs trip us up. And it's their hidden nature that gives them power over our thoughts and behaviors.

Language — the way we talk to and about ourselves — can shed light on the most pervasive hindrances to successful habit change. Here are four common words and phrases associated with negative or judgmental cultural connotations:

Should

Just

Why

I Am

Let’s look at how we can leverage these “negative” word choices to our benefit.

Should

“Should” is a word of comparison. Whether we are comparing our results to what we “believe” the results need to be or whether we are comparing ourselves to someone else, comparison often leads to a sense of failure.

Reframe: Comparison is not necessarily negative. It’s what we do with the information that determines its effect. Try these reframes and see how you feel about your “should.” Is the result negative?  It may not be what you expected or what someone else has accomplished, but is what you achieved actually “bad”?

      Does the result represent progress?

      Are you in a better place than you were before?

      Is there room for improvement?

     What are the next steps to get even better?

Have you compared process?  We are quick to compare results but don’t often think to compare the process that got us where we are. If you are comparing yourself with someone else, compare your process to theirs as well.

      Did you take the same steps?

      Do you have the same skills?

      Did you allow the same time?

      How can you adjust your process to match their process?

Just

“Just” is a word of logic. Logic is what is needed to create process and plan. “Just” ignores the irrational nature of emotion, impulse, peer pressure, environmental influence, personal values and beliefs, and so on. If you tell yourself that you “Just need to …, it’s a good sign that you know what the process is, but for some irrational reason can’t follow through. “Just” is a theoretical approach, not a realistic approach.

Reframe: Creating process is necessary, as it will expose holes in your skill and knowledge base. Use this reframe to see if you get more utility from “just” without the shaming component.

If you hear (from yourself or someone else) that you “just need to,” ask yourself:

     Do I know how?

     What step of the process do I keep tripping over?

     Is there another way of doing it?

     Is this process necessary for my end goal?

Why

“Why” is a word of justification. We justify our behaviors to fill a need for certainty. “I am certain I did this because of [insert excuse].” Every time we have to come up with justifications for our behaviors, we root those justifications (and other associated behaviors) deeper into our psyche. Basically, the more we say it, the more likely we are to believe our own bullshit.

Reframe: There are times and places when using why can be useful and extremely powerful. Consider that when we are asking why, we might be asking the wrong question. Try these reframes to see if you get better answers to your questions.

The Positive “Why” — Use the rooting power of why to your advantage. In other words, use why to anchor positive behaviors.

     Why are you kind?

     Why are you generous?

     Why are you awesome?

The Right Question — The sister question to Why is How. “How” identifies process and brings unconscious steps to consciousness. In this moment you have the ability to choose differently. Once the process is exposed, you can turn to the questions in the “Just” section above to manage the chasm between rational and irrational behaviors

I Am

“I Am” is a phrase of identity. Identity can be the difference between making a behavioral change easy or near-impossible. Regardless of the change we are pursuing, there is often a loss of an old behavior that needs to happen as we pursue the new behavior.

Reframe: Is the change you are attempting related to your Identity or a Possession? See if changing your perspective makes the process of change easier. Change your language — I am a diabetic vs. I have diabetes. I am a smoker vs. I smoke. I am a loser vs. I haven’t figured out how to win. I am fat vs. I have fat.

Ask: Who am I? — We often pull in external “things” and hold them up as ourselves because we don’t really know who we are. This question is too big to simply answer and needs to be discovered over time. Distinguishing between “I am” and “I have” will help you chip away to what really is you. It’s the difference between Fashion and Style. Fashion is the clothes; Style is how you wear them. Look back at goals you’ve set in the past and see if any of these words and ideas sabotaged your process. How will things be different if you asked “How?” instead of “Why?” Or if you changed your “I ams” to “ I haves”?

If you are trying to make never-before- attempted changes, keep your eyes and ears open for these words and enjoy the success that comes with your newfound awareness.