Go Ahead — Compare Yourself To Others.
Don’t try to force-stop the comparison. Take it to the next level by observing what is actionable.
People often give the advice, “Don’t compare yourself to others.” The problem is, you can’t not compare. The things you compare are the things in life that are important to you. They’re a reflection of your values and desires. My contention is that people don't take comparison far enough. People compare superficially. They compare results, the final outcome. They don't compare process. They don't compare circumstance. You look on the other side of the tracks and their grass is greener but you don't know the process they went through, to make that grass greener. All you see is greener grass. The thought when we stop that comparison is, "They have green grass, I don't. I want green grass. They suck." Then, “I suck because I don't have green grass but I hate them for having it.“ The problem is, if you hate them for having it, you lose the ability to figure out how they got it. You’re comparing the noun — green grass — but not the verb, what you can do to also have the green grass. If you find yourself comparing and coveting and hating, don’t try to force-stop the comparison. Take it to the next level by observing what is actionable. Let’s consider the action-oriented line of questioning that can come after you think, They have green grass and I don’t:
Q: What did they do to have green grass?
A: They planted seeds.
Q: Did I plant seeds?
A: No. Okay, I'll plant seeds.
Q: What did they do after planting seeds?
A: They watered the seeds.
Q: Did I water my lawn?
A: No. Now I'm going to water it.
By asking questions and comparing process rather than results, you open up avenues to get closer to your goals. As you ask more questions, you’ll like reach a circumstance that you can’t duplicate. You can duplicate process — plant seeds, water, mow, and so — on but you can't necessarily duplicate circumstance. For instance, their yard is sunnier than mine because there’s amountain casting shadows over mine.
Q: What can I do to re-create that circumstance?
A: I can move to the other side of the mountain.
Q: Is it worth for me to move to the other side of the mountain so I can have green grass?
Now it becomes a question of cost: What is green grass worth to you? What do you value? As you break down a superficial comparison in this way, you find ways to move toward better for yourself. Instead of just seeing your neighbor as better than you, you can take steps toward becoming better. Years ago, I read something in Outside magazine that has become an example I use to this day:
“If you want a surfer's body, become a surfer.”
It’s that simple. It’s literally that simple. If you can live on the beach, surf everyday, eat whatever you can pull from the trees, sleep in the afternoon, surf some more, you will eventually, over time, get a surfer’s body. You know why? Because now you’re a surfer.
Comparison is an incredibly powerful tool for betterment and growth because it allows you to see both process and circumstance. This helps you see what you need to do, can do, are willing to do in order to achieve your desired result. If you see something you want, and don’t ask “how,” you’re burning a resource. You’re leaving an opportunity on the table. If something is interesting to you, go for it — ask for the process.